One month in.
A note; Depression is an illness. It is not something that can be treated by "cheering" someone up, or telling them to "snap out of it". All of us get discouraged from time to time, maybe even a little down or depressed, but this must not be confused with depression. Depression needs to be treated by a professional. If you haven't figured it out yet, this is not your usual on the rim post. It is a personal glimpse into what is Phil. So noted.
A full month has elapsed since retirement. I joke a lot about being retired, and not having to do anything, but truthfully, after Christmas in Rexburg, and two days on the road, that excitement is gone.
I know that it sounds like whining, and truthfully, it probably is, but I am now in a "now what?" situation. I miss having the structure and responsibility of my job back in Twin Falls. There is a lot of complication associated with why I retired rather than stay in my job, but the bottom line is simple; the pay cut that I was going to take made it financially prudent to retire, and move back to Paola.
So now, what? It didn't help that I was sick on and off for a couple of weeks after getting home. It didn't help that the weather was such that I couldn't get outside and take care of some things that needed doing, or to get into a regular routine of walking.
Yes, I have joked about not having to go to work, but I think more than anything that was hiding a time of discouragement. I won't use the word depression, I know what that means, so what on earth could I be depressed about? I have a steady pension, health insurance, a family, a house to protect me, and food on the table. So why? What could cause someone that has everything that they need, and should be, and is, content, to have these feelings?
I would be lying if I said that this was the first time. In fact, as long as I remember, I have had bouts of feeling dejected, and worthless. The only thing regular about them was that they happened, and that they were usually short lived, a day at the most, usually for a few hours. Then the clouds passed, and I felt much better about everything around me. Everything around me. But rarely, me. I write this not desiring pity, but as a travelogue, on my journey through this stage of life.
The inversion over the valley lifts, eventually, and it has with me, for now. I have a great calling at church, and am excited to work with the Deacons, and, even more so, with the Scoutmaster, one of the few whom I call friend, though, if I counted, it would definitely be more than a few.
I am also excited to rejoin the Mormon Chorale. I think that regardless of the songs that I sing myself, or sing as part of a congregation, probably a big driver of the fog was no longer directing a wonderful choir. While I am no longer directing, to join in with others dedicated to singing praise may be the best antidote for what ails me. I have missed that dedicated music in my life. Chorale starts tomorrow!
I have also started back to school, unhampered by having to go to work everyday.
Do I suffer from depression? I don't know, I suppose it is possible, but rarely, even at its worst, have I felt like I could do nothing, or had desires to hurt myself or others. For the last nearly twelve years, I have had a wife who has supported me, and lifted me up when down. She has brought me happiness when there was nothing but sadness on the horizon.
I have learned that the Atonement of our Savior not only cleanses us of our sins, but eases our suffering. On the worst days, when all is dark, I hold on to that truth.
It is love that brings happiness, and the pure love of Christ brings eternal happiness. He is our Exemplar. He is the Standard that we should try to live up to every day. We stumble and fall, and fall, and fall, but because He didn't, as long as we get up each time, it is enough.
Do you know someone that could use a lift? Physically? Emotionally? You can act on His behalf, and who knows, helping to lift someone could lift you as well.
A full month has elapsed since retirement. I joke a lot about being retired, and not having to do anything, but truthfully, after Christmas in Rexburg, and two days on the road, that excitement is gone.
I know that it sounds like whining, and truthfully, it probably is, but I am now in a "now what?" situation. I miss having the structure and responsibility of my job back in Twin Falls. There is a lot of complication associated with why I retired rather than stay in my job, but the bottom line is simple; the pay cut that I was going to take made it financially prudent to retire, and move back to Paola.
So now, what? It didn't help that I was sick on and off for a couple of weeks after getting home. It didn't help that the weather was such that I couldn't get outside and take care of some things that needed doing, or to get into a regular routine of walking.
Yes, I have joked about not having to go to work, but I think more than anything that was hiding a time of discouragement. I won't use the word depression, I know what that means, so what on earth could I be depressed about? I have a steady pension, health insurance, a family, a house to protect me, and food on the table. So why? What could cause someone that has everything that they need, and should be, and is, content, to have these feelings?
I would be lying if I said that this was the first time. In fact, as long as I remember, I have had bouts of feeling dejected, and worthless. The only thing regular about them was that they happened, and that they were usually short lived, a day at the most, usually for a few hours. Then the clouds passed, and I felt much better about everything around me. Everything around me. But rarely, me. I write this not desiring pity, but as a travelogue, on my journey through this stage of life.
The inversion over the valley lifts, eventually, and it has with me, for now. I have a great calling at church, and am excited to work with the Deacons, and, even more so, with the Scoutmaster, one of the few whom I call friend, though, if I counted, it would definitely be more than a few.
I am also excited to rejoin the Mormon Chorale. I think that regardless of the songs that I sing myself, or sing as part of a congregation, probably a big driver of the fog was no longer directing a wonderful choir. While I am no longer directing, to join in with others dedicated to singing praise may be the best antidote for what ails me. I have missed that dedicated music in my life. Chorale starts tomorrow!
I have also started back to school, unhampered by having to go to work everyday.
Do I suffer from depression? I don't know, I suppose it is possible, but rarely, even at its worst, have I felt like I could do nothing, or had desires to hurt myself or others. For the last nearly twelve years, I have had a wife who has supported me, and lifted me up when down. She has brought me happiness when there was nothing but sadness on the horizon.
I have learned that the Atonement of our Savior not only cleanses us of our sins, but eases our suffering. On the worst days, when all is dark, I hold on to that truth.
It is love that brings happiness, and the pure love of Christ brings eternal happiness. He is our Exemplar. He is the Standard that we should try to live up to every day. We stumble and fall, and fall, and fall, but because He didn't, as long as we get up each time, it is enough.
Do you know someone that could use a lift? Physically? Emotionally? You can act on His behalf, and who knows, helping to lift someone could lift you as well.
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